Cornfield Meet

Things collide here.

Tinfoil football helmet alert!

My brother Adam has come up with a fantastic big-picture conspiracy theory regarding the totally ridiculous sucktastical debacle that the Cleveland Browns 2009 football season has become.

So this morning, I’m handing him the keyboard.

– John

1) The NFL is by far the most thriving professional sport in America. Everything always seems to go as planned. They somehow manage to incorporate parody (Tampa Bay vs. Oakland Super Bowl in 2003) and dynasties (Patriots and – ugh – Steelers) at the same time. Heck, they can even get away with steroid use (Shawne Merriman) without so much as a peep from the fans. To the league, the fact that Art Modell, one of the founding fathers of the NFL, is not in the Pro Football Hall of Fame is basically a travesty that must be (and because the NFL always gets what it wants, will be) resolved.

2) How can they achieve this goal without A) having Art sit out the ceremony (too embarrassing for the NFL); B) causing a reenactment of Bottlegate x 100; or C) creating a situation like tossing a gas can on a bonfire on a hay truck on the surface of the sun. Solution: Run the current Browns organization into the ground through a series of ridiculous drafts, decision making, hirings, etc.

*As I side note, I am convinced that this plan was being put into place during the Browns’ three-year layoff from 1996-1998. If one compares the NFL’s handling of the Browns’ return to the inception of the Panthers and Jaguars just a few years prior, the disadvantages are obvious. (See Terry Pluto and many others.)

3) As a result, we find ourselves in the year 2009. The Browns are so pathetic after ten years that fans will do ANYTHING and follow ANYONE who could turn this franchise around and make them contenders again. Enter Art Modell – still hated in Cleveland, of course, but is he really that much more despised than those currently running the team? And he HAS proven that he knows how to put a winner on field…..hmmmmmmm, I GUESS it couldn’t be worse than what we have now. So, the Lerners sell the team to Art, and …

4) A few years later, the Browns have made the complete turnaround, with Art getting full credit for purging the team of all the garbage created in the past decade. They go from NFL bottom feeders to not only their first Super Bowl appearance, but Super Bowl Champions (Not unheard of in the present day NFL – see previous examples). All is MORE than forgiven in Cleveland, and Art is given the hero’s welcome that the NFL wants him to have in Canton.

5) The NFL is happy. As usual.

6) Safety net theory: If it doesn’t work, Art will move the current abysmal team to Las Vegas. He’d still be a hero in Cleveland.

As they say in the horoscopes, this theory is For Entertainment Purposes Only.

Which is more than we can say about most of the last decade of Cleveland Browns football.


November 4, 2009 - Posted by | Ohio, Sports | , , ,

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